worst days as a mom Archives - Lactation Link

I was raised by a fantastic Mother who found joy in raising five kids all while keeping an immaculate house. She made it look easy and was always put together and beautiful all day and everyday. Naturally, I thought Motherhood would be a cake walk…boy was I wrong.

It was 11:45am on a hot summer day in July last year and I had 15 minutes to make it to swimming lessons with my two girls. I was running late, extremely pregnant and taking a business call all while in route to the pool. All I had to offer my hungry kiddos was a bag of chocolate covered pomegranates from Costco which I gladly handed back to them to quiet the complaining. We parked and flew out of the car in a mad rush. Into the pool they went while I tried to find a spot of shade to escape the blazing heat to finish up my call. No more than five minutes had passed when I saw something that caused me to drop my phone mid sentence. A spew of thick, brown matter flew into the sky from the pool above where my girl were swimming. I immediately ran over to the pool just in time to witness another explosion of dark gunk that coated my girls completely and the poor swimming instructor too. I stopped dead in my tracks when I realized that my little Amelia had upchucked basically that entire bag of chocolatey treats mixed with pool water. I peered into the pool to see what looked like an oil spill and shouted for an immediate evacuation of the pool. It was everywhere and I fished my kids out of the pool and reached for the nearest hose to wash away as much as I could of the sticky filth. The teacher jumped out to escape the floating mess and grabbed the chlorine and net to skim off the leftovers. Little Amelia was mortified and I was embarrassed that we had caused such a scene. Needless to say, we left early from swimming lessons that day and headed home to hit the shower. (Note to self: allowing  a child to consume an entire bag of candy before swimming lessons won’t end well.)

Luckily, those kinds of days are few and far between. Thankfully, most days I marvel in awe of what I have been blessed with. It is a daunting task but I gladly take the challenge. What is more worth my precious time than the nurturing and loving of my three little ladies? It’s not enough for me to just do the laundry and make a sandwich…it’s the teaching moments, cuddles, triumphs, kisses, connections and talks that leave me fulfilled and grateful for my role. I make sure to pray with my girls every night before bed and verbally thank God for the blessings that they are to me and my husband. We also wrap our arms around one another for a “family hug” and sing a song before they drift off to sleep. I know these moments are fleeting and I try my best to slow down and soak up their sweet voices, funny questions and the look of admiration in their eyes because I know it won’t last forever and I’ll miss every bit of it some day. I appreciate the humility that Motherhood brings and the chance that I get to round and smooth the edges of my very imperfect self.

Ali Fenlon is the founder and designer of the contemporary bag company Sage and Harper.  She’s also the mom of 3 girls.  She spent time as a young girl learning to sew with her grandmother.  She was fascinated with turning something ordinary into the extraordinary, which is evident in her designs.  Her work has been featured all over the world, including Disney and Kohl’s.  Ali takes pride in teaching her daughters about hard work and chasing their dreams through her success in Sage and Harper.  You can catch her latest designs on her website and instagram.

Brooke White

My best day as a mom: my best day looks like one that includes no phones, no iPads, no computers and no Disney junior. Basically no screens.  They are usually the days when there is one objective, be present with Loo in life. Usually this happens when we decide to get out of the house and have a little adventure…little being the key word.  It doesn’t have to be extravagant! Although every once and a while we do something a bit extra special like a trip to the farm to ride on the cow train and pick strawberries. But usually it’s simple, a trip to Home Depot to walk around and explore the nursery. We sniff flowers and run up and down between the aisles of plants. We talk about the colors and how beautiful they are. Or maybe it’s our Saturday morning tradition of going to McDonald’s for breakfast while daddy plays hockey. I let London order her own “egg white mcmuffin and oatmeal”.  She is learning to make eye contact with the person at the register and tell them thank you. Then we sit at our favorite booth by the window and wait, I ask her to tell me our number is at the top of the receipt, and we listen for that number. We eat our breakfast and talk, and usually some interesting characters stop by to talk to us.  Other good days include drives in the car around the neighborhood or the beach and we roll down the windows and listen to music.  She loves “Downtown” by Petula Clark and “Sugar Town” by Nancy Sinatra.  I love to be in nature with London. There is a peace and an energy there that makes me feel in touch with the present, with God and with her. Without the distractions of the digital world or the noisy boredom of kid tv.  But also the reality is that we are gonna be at home on most days and I have to be diligent on being engaged. So we make a lot of stuff, paint stuff, bake stuff… Like pre-made cookie dough. Those can be good days too. But what ever it is we’re doing, my best day is found in the moments that I really absorb her, in those seconds when she is talking to me and she is saying stuff that is blowing my mind, and I look at her and think, “Holy moly that’s my kid! This is real!”  I realize that it is all happening so fast and she is growing too quickly and she is so beautiful and funny and such a gift and I freak out that too often I’m missing it!

My worst day as a mom: My worst days are usually ones when our eyeballs are glued to screens and our minds are numbed by overstimulation.  Also, I’m trying to simultaneously work and be a mom. We watch back-to-back-to-back-to-back Disney junior and Jake and the never land pirates. We’re in the “back room”, the multi-purpose tv/office/play room. I’m trying to get the work done that I didn’t get done the day before on the computer while Loo is literally fighting my hand away from the mouse and playing tug a war with my arm. Maybe I’m on a conference call and she is whaling “no more work mom” in the background. She tells me every 2-4 minutes that she is hungry, we make countless trips to the snack cabinet and fridge hoping some snack of her liking will magically appear. I try to get her to eat carrots but we end up eating an entire bag of goldfish crackers and/or fruit snacks. By 4 o’clock it’s no surprise our behavior takes a turn for the worst. We are in full melt down mode… the whining and fit throwing starts to escalate. We’re still trapped in the back room, It’s taken me four hours to almost respond to one email and I’m not sure I can succeed at another 5 seconds of motherhood. I finally give up on work and find myself on the couch trying to do a puzzle and watch doc mcstuffins with her, while mindlessly and compulsively checking my Instagram. You know, because I could use some validation and connection to the outside world. I’m scrolling and scrolling though crisp curated squares of perfection and productivity, I want to be inspired but instead it makes me feel like crap in my soul and gives me a dull ache in my face. I probably post something a little too long, too personal. The number next to my profile pic drops. My ego starts to flare up. My insecurities come to a roaring head. I do my lowest thinking in this moment, I start comparing myself to others, feeling guilty, unproductive, anxious, lonely, unmotivated and disconnected. Knowing that I didn’t get my work done when people were counting on me while feeling like I failed my child by parking her in front of the tv with processed food all day is a double whammy. Cue shame and anxiety. Pity party ensues: I’m ruining my beautiful child. I can’t follow through on anything. My life is so good, I should be grateful. Also dinner time is the scary monster in the corner ridiculing me because I have no idea what I’m gonna make and we have no groceries and let’s be honest I haven’t made dinner in weeks… Months. The laundry still never made it out of ikea bags and what do I have to show for this day. We pray each day that we can grow our family, but I only have one kid and I still can’t keep my shiz together. On these days I lay in bed at the end of the day, convinced that I don’t deserve another baby. These days are my worst days as a mom. They happen more then I’d like to admit.

So what do I do about it: that’s a solid question. I’m still working on it, and likely always will. Somedays I’ve found the secret, other days I know nothing. But, The current goal is to have the best outweigh the worst, and I’m taking that seriously. I’ve had to realize that the truth is I struggle with depression, anxiety and perfectionism. This contaminates all experiences and perceptions. Overtime it produces shame which can be painfully paralyzing. So finally after coming to grips with the bottom line that I need help, I am seeing a wonderful counselor… so far it’s been helpful.I took a course in meditation: absolutely incredible.  The trick is just doing it. I’m relying more on my spouse for help and support and he’s been outstanding. I’m putting every happy tool in my belt to use. Sunshine, praying, music, meditating and mindfulness. I’m figuring out the triggers, i.e. Screens, social media, sleep deprivation. Lately I’ve been experimenting with taking longer breaks from my phone and Instagram. I found them to be deeply effective though it’s hard to not fall back into old patterns when I’ve returned. Working on that. I also have learned me and my Loo need to spend less time in the back room in front of screens. It’s about stopping the cycle before it begins. Also, help is essential if I’m going to work. Getting a babysitter when I need to or swapping child care with a friend. I’m trying to break the patterns of over-promising and under-delivering. Saying no and communicating more effectively with the people I work with about what I can realistically achieve. I also am trying to establish boundaries like when London is at school I work, when she is home I am a mom. Discarding the old unhealthy habit of multitasking is something that is hard to shake but essential. Accepting that I can’t do everything is a day by day, minute to minute process. Letting go of unrealistic expectations is not easy. I try to learn from others, at church, from friends, or I listen to books on audible.  But probably the thing that will make the difference but is proving to be the hardest change, is to be more loving towards myself, to relinquish the bonds of shame and offer myself grace. I’m trying to redefine my identity and where it lies. I’m trying to believe that my worth isn’t dependent on how much I do. I’m trying to remember that little ones grow so fast and we can’t get this time back. I’m trying to look in her eyes more and just be there, and live in a space of gratitude. I am trying to be aware and simplify. Yeah. I don’t know, I could ramble for a million hours about all the things I’m trying to do, or could do and should do to give my daughter a happy healthy mom and therefore a happy healthy childhood. I wish I could have it all figured out how and outlined in nice tidy tangible bullet points, but I don’t. And hopefully that’s okay, because I’m really trying… My best.  And isn’t that all we can do?

Brooke White is the mom of an adorable little girl Londyn, an American Idol alum, and co-hosts a popular web show, Girls with Glasses.  Brooke appeared on season 7 of the hit show American Idol, where she dazzled with her lovable personality and talents of voice, piano, and guitar.  Her vocal influences are Carly Simon and Carole King.  She has 7 available albums you can download here.  She shares daily snippets on instagram @realbrookewhite and @girlswithglasses